Patrick's
Story: Blaming the One-Eyed Monster
VOICEOVER
I wanted to
fall in love... meet the man of my dreams, a man I can sleep with--- not have
sex with, just sleep with. Theoretically, this would be possible; if only the
penis didn't exist.
The problem is,
for awhile, I blamed the penis for my problems. The damned fleshy fun bridge
destroyed all my hopes and dreams. All gay men want to do these days is play
the skin flute and I'm getting rather sick of it. In fact, a few weeks ago, it
had gotten so bad that I thought my head would burst.
Many inner
voices are yelling PENIS! PENIS! PENIS! and Patrick is pulling at his hair and
grinding his teeth.
Patrick is
on the phone
PAT: Hello
Gregory! I see you responded to my personal add and I thought I'd give you a
call!
PAT: Well it's
nice to finally hear your voice too! That's so sweet...
PAT: Ohmigod! I
absolutely love nine
volt batteries! It's so fun to put them on other peoples' tongues!
PAT: Or, your
own, I guess... so what do you do for fun?
PAT: What do
you mean, bottle dead sharks?
PAT: So you
take shark babies, put in fake eyes, and display them in a bottle? Okaaay... what else are you into...?
PAT: Well that I can relate to! I love water sports.
Swimming is like my absolute favorite thing in the whole world!
PAT: That's not
what you meant? What did you mean? Nevermind? No! Tell me!!
PAT: A hookup?
No, I wasn't really... yeah...
PAT: Fine, I
guess... yeah I'll be over in fifteen minutes.
VOICEOVER
Well, when I found out he was into bondage and wanted to be dominated I became very upset. Hiding my anger, I tied him up and went into his kitchen. I was only able to find a bread knife, but thirty minutes later I had successfully removed his penis and testicles. While I felt quite relieved at the time, when the police informed me that he had bled to death and that I was going away for a very long time, I realized that what I had done probably wasn't a good idea. Especially because now, rather than love, I get pounded in the ass once a week by my inmate Jimmy.