The Story of Us
by Tuco Adam Dachis

I have had many friends in my life so far. It has been over eighteen years and we've been through so much. I thought I would tell you about all the good times we've had so you could understand how great friends can be. When I came to high school, I as a boy with friends I didn't like. When I was a sophmore, I put a bomb in the closet and it burned down around me (though nobody seemed to believe I'd blow up my own closet). So anyway, reborn as a homosexual, I met Megan, a thought-to-be-Lesbian who was a major mama's girl. I also reunited with an old friend, Keri, who let her eighth-grade German and English teacher watch her go swimming in the school swimming pool and dreamt about horses while she slept (and even when she didn't!). I also met Maggie, who's schizophrenic mother had an addiction to Disney World, Carrie, who was addicted to fish (yeah, you know what I mean), and Deb, who was special in her own way. So we all had lots of fun being homosexuals (or honorary homosexuals) and soon the time came when we had to say goodbye. But Megan, not being the duck-billed platypus or doctor that she isn't, had sex with a leprachaun who had leprocy. He was the leprachaun for Leper Charms children's cereal, where instead of marshmellows there were bits of fingers and toenails for kids to discover! Instead of him saying "You'll never catch me Lucky Charms!" he said "You'll sure to catch me leprocy with me Leper Charms!" It was a short-lived relationship, because his penis fell off and Megan was no longer intrested in the cock-less 'chaun. Meanwhile, I was having a dream. Megan and I got pulled over by a policeman, and he asked if she knew how fast she was going. She said, "too fast, because I got crabs." Then I was in a clocktower, and on every hour it would sing "ding-dong-dildo." I jumped out of the clocktower and landed on a large, stuffed hippopotamus. His name was Sally. Sally asked me where the bathroom is and I said "Earl's into golden showers." So the hippo peed on Earl, and all was well and good in Nutriciousville. However, over in Fairyland, there were homosexuals who needed my help. So I saved them all and then Megan hit on them over and over again. I told her she won't get anywhere so I took her to O'Hetero's bar and grill where she found lots of repulsive straight men. We both got scared and left, so we decided to find somewhere new. We decided to go to the Park Square Theater where Megan has an internship. When we got there I woke up and ran into my sister's room. Megan was sleeping in there so we put make up all over her, with sunglasses and a bikini. Then we permed her hair with panda droppings in order to make it extra frangrant. After she was beautied up, she woke up, and we had a dance party. Then Becca showed up in her super cool airplane. However, she tried to sneak Jimmy Fallon into the bathroom in a burlap sack so she could have her way with him, however Seth had been following her! He took his investimigator dowamahicky out and told her to stop. BUT SHE DID NOT STOP THERE! She ran for the bathroom but Seth grabbed her and then they had sexual relations instead. I, of course, took no part in that heterosexual lovefest and went in the corner to masturbate. All in all, it was an eventful morning and we were all happy and relieved afterwards. Well, except for Megan... but that's because she won't do the nasty. So Megan suddenly became depressed from a lack of masturbation. We tried counseling her but she just wouldn't use those Magic FingersĒ! Eventually we found her some chocolate and her sexual urges subsided a little bit. We were then able to go to Valley Fair and eat pork stew. Well, it was a disgrace to pigs everywhere because it tasted like and old hermit cooked in a lunch tray full of ass. So Ali made us Rice-A-Roni and I added Cayenne Pepper to make it taste better. Then when it all was over we prayed to the gods of oral sex, hoping one day that they would make a blow job be more pleasurable than a hand job. Until then, though, we'll just have to keep rubbing. Our lottery tickets that is! WOOHOO! I won $10,000! Wait! No I didn't! It was a trick! TRICK! That was a REALLY BAD gay movie. Why would they make that? It's all about sex, and that sends a bad message. Well, I will never give up my dreams. Will you? Now a song:

Everyone on this earth is bleeding internally
from a gash cut up inside their heart.
But we can repair it with love and tenderness
and not being apart.

Everyone likes cocoa beans
and eats them on a sunny day
when everything just seems
better than okay.

Only if you want to, you can chop off a toe
and give it to your best friend so they'll always know...

That you have kinky toe sex
and vaginitis too!
You have kinky toe sex
I know it! You do!
You might get a disease
or it may be a big flop
but nothing is better than
those funky gum drops.

Everyone likes magazines
and floral pattern underwear.
Some people like the endocrine
system more than their father's hair.

I'm to sexy for my hair.
That is why it isn't there.
If only my ass was that bare
I would be so BEAUTIFUL!

Only if you want to, you can chop off a toe
and give it to your best friend so they'll always know...

That you have kinky toe sex
and vaginitis too!
You have kinky toe sex
I know it! You do!
You might get a disease
or it may be a big flop
but nothing is better than
those funky gum drops.

Toes, toes we all knows
we love our toes
and it is good.
We miss that pleasure from the foot!
Give someone a foot job
or just another hoof job
or maybe a heel job
for their sexy little nose.

You have kinky toe sex
and vaginitis too!
You have kinky toe sex
I know it! You do!
You might get a disease
or it may be a big flop
but nothing is better than
those funky gum drops.
Those funky little gum drops are always so funky sometimes...

What a great hit. The Spice Girls really have reinvented themselves. I have to say, it has been a great night with you all, and I wish you a happy time in those most convalescent new year. And if you forget, don't remember that what is wrong with you is the fact that... YOU'RE ALIVE!!!!!


THE END