Arkov's Monologue: All in the Name of Love

I used to be a disorganized person, but upon coming to college I decided to change all of that. My schedule varies a bit from day to day, but it's essentially the same:

8:30am, begin the "wake up" process
9:05am, apply anti-itch cream to my genitals
9:10am, after the cream dries, put on a condom and hump my pillow
9:11am, read about how to prevent premature ejaculation
9:20am, head off to class

When classes end at 6:15, I eat dinner and spend the rest of the night in my room. It is my free time, and I can do with it as I please. Every now and then, I try something new with my time. Tonight, I'm going to kill my ex-girlfriend, admit my guilt to the world, and then prove myself innocent in the courts. I haven't done any real art at this art school I attend, so it's time that I create something truly astounding. Life can be analyzed, deconstructed, and redone. I'm about to prove that.

You're probably wondering why I hate Quon, my ex-girlfriend. You're probably wondering why I want to kill her. Well, I'll show you. Flips on TV  Now do you understand? Good!

It was a day like any other: boring classes and rolling eyes. I spent design class devising the sweetest plan imaginable, the one every woman desires: death by chocolate--- chocolate chip cookies, that is!

During my lunch break I rushed over to the local gas station and stole some from the bakery. Then I took a vile of snake venum I collected and carefully inserted small amounts into every cookie but one. It wasn't that I ran out, but I felt as if I should at least give her one chance at survival. Even the worst human beings on this earth deserve that small bit of luck in everything they do. However, knowing she's a light eater and isn't incredibly fond of sweets, I took a bite out of the cookie hoping that would turn here away.

Classes continued in a very cold room so I peed in my pants to warm things up a bit. Slowly but surely 6:15 came and so did I from all the excitement of this upcoming adventure. Finding the box of cookies, I stopped over to my friend Jimmy's house on the way home from class. Explaining the situation concerning my pants by replacing urine with a slightly more socially acceptable fluid, I asked him to deliver the cookies to Quon for me. He eagerly agreed, jumping at the chance to see my former partner in crime. See, the boy, or perhaps I should say older man has a bit of a crush on the girl, and by asking him to deliver the cookies, I was easily assured he'd place them in a much nicer package with a note on it claiming the present as his own.

One hour later, I was right on the money. The new box had only his fingerprints on it, and I reclaimed the old one while the police were busy making the arrest. Jimmy, to this day, claims that I killed her, but that's only the truth to me. See, Jimmy, you killed her. I only gave you the possibilities. You know, it's amazing... the things we do for love!



Mihaela's Interview: Family Ties

INT: Can you state your name on camera?

MIH: You know my name's Mihaela, man.

INT: How do you usually spend your time?

MIH: I'm a part time veterinary assistant and part time student, man. When I'm not like, draining a dog's anal sac, I paint.

INT: But not anymore...?

MIH: No.

INT: Why's that?

MIH: See, I recently leased a Saturn, so I could, like, get around and stuff. But then my boyfriend told me it was a lesbo car. So, y'know, I got pissed. Well, then he put a rainbow sticker on the back and I got totally p.o.'d. So I did what any girl would do and ran him the hell over! Yeah, so like, they thought it was an accident and stuff, so I'm out on bail right now. I'm not a "flight risk" or whatever the hell that means.

INT: So did he die?

MIH: Yeah.

INT: Do you miss him?

MIH: No, not really. He was kind of a dick.

A scream from mother outside OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! Interviewer with camera follows Mihaela as she runs. Mom is standing in the driveway freaking out.

MIH: Mom, what are you yelling about? Will you shut up! The neighbors will hear you.

Mom throws the cell phone at the garage door.

MOM: Oh shut up! I haven't been taking my medication!

MIH: Whatever, I'm going back inside, man. Thanks for the embarrassment.

MOM: Your sister's dead.

MIH: What!? Quon's dead?

MOM: Yeah... UGH!! I never should've adopted that stupid girl! I spent all that money taking her off the streets and what does she do? DIE! She dies. That ungrateful little bitch.

Back in the kitchen with Mihaela. Mom is screaming in the background. In the background you see her feeding herself a bunch of painkillers.

MIH: Yeah, you can really see where I get it from.



Patrick's Story: Blaming the One-Eyed Monster

VOICEOVER
I wanted to fall in love... meet the man of my dreams, a man I can sleep with--- not have sex with, just sleep with. If only it wasn't for the penis.

The problem is, for awhile, I blamed the penis for my problems. The damned fleshy fun bridge destroyed all my hopes and dreams. All gay men want to do these days is play the skin flute and I'm getting rather sick of it. In fact, a few weeks ago, it had gotten so bad that I thought my head would burst.

Patrick is on the phone (PAT = Patrick, PIV = Patrick's Inner Voice)

PAT: Hello Gregory! I see you responded to my personal add and I thought I'd give you a call!

PIV: He sounded like such a nice guy, how was I to know...

PAT: A hookup? No, I wasn't really... yeah...

PIV: That bastard tricked me!

PAT: Fine, I guess... yeah I'll be over in fifteen minutes.

VOICEOVER
Well, when I found out he was into bondage and wanted to be dominated I became very upset. Hiding my anger, I tied him up and went into his kitchen. I was only able to find a bread knife, but thirty minutes later I had successfully removed his penis and testicles. While I felt quite relieved at the time, when the police informed me that he had bled to death and that I was going away for a very long time, I realized that what I had done probably wasn't a good idea. Especially because now, rather than love, I get pounded in the ass once a week by my inmate Jimmy.



Solina's Online Experience: The Deceased Aren't Laughing

VOICEOVER
In my head, I'm wonder woman. In reality, I'm as timid as a tiny little mouse. That's why I have the internet: a place where my fantasies can roam free. Once I met a man named Steven...

Solina acts out both sides of the conversation

	He begins: ÒKnow who I am? I saw a page about you online.Ó
	I continue: Oh?
	You get the idea: ÒYeah, thatÕs how I got this.Ó
	Oh. I donÕt know who you are though.
	ÒWell, I suppose thatÕs because IÕve never written you before. Do you have e-mail, and if so, do you check your e-mail?Ó
	Yes, I check my e-mail oftenÉ but I donÕt think I have in the last half an hour. Why?
	ÒWhat was your nickname on the profile page again?Ó
	Sdorakow.
	ÒWhat does that mean?Ó
	ItÕs my name.
	ÒIs it said just how itÕs spelled?Ó
	I guess soÉ but most people get it wrong.
	ÒIÕm in Missouri going to college, first year. My familyÕs in the military, so that brought me down from Montana.Ó
	Oh, okay.
	ÒSEE DOOR ACK CROW.Ó
	What?
	ÒSEE DOOR ACK CROW. IsnÕt that how your name is pronounced. ThatÕs how I sound it out.Ó
	ThatÕs not my name.
	ÒIt isnÕt?Ó
	ThereÕs no ÔRÕ. My first initial is S, and the rest is Durškaw.
	ÒOh, IÕm wearing contacts, and I donÕt have them in right now. My name is Steven.Ó
	Hi Steve.
	ÒThatÕs not my name!Ó
	UmÉ
	ÒSorry, I was just making fun of you.Ó
	UmÉ
	 ÒDo you date men?Ó
	Yeah, I do. As opposed toÉ?
	ÒWomen.Ó
	No, IÕm not a lesbian, sorry.
	ÒNo, donÕt be sorry. More for me!Ó
	More of what exactly?
	ÒI took this girl to prom once and I really liked her in every way. SheÕs so nice, nearly a perfect person. Everyone in school loved her. I mean, she was a good person in every way, but I gave her a little kiss once and I felt really dirty.Ó
	Why?
	ÒWould you be interested in listening to a piano song I wrote?
	Yes, but can you answer my questions first?
	ÒWhat questions?Ó
	Never mindÉ
	ÒNo, what questions?Ó
	Um yeah, let's just say I was just joking with you.
	ÒOh! Ha ha ha! That was really funny!Ó
Okay, well it was nice talking to you, but you're a little bit crazy for me.
"Hey! I'm about to die, give me a break!"
What?
"Well my family keeps the computer in the garage and I turned the car on."
WHY?
"Don't wanna live."
WHY?
"Not worth it. Hey, I want to get off one last time. Could we have phone sex?"
That's gross! I am not having phone sex with a dead guy.
"Cyber sex?"
You sick pervert.

VOICEOVER
People joke about death like it's something that doesn't mater, but it does. Ever since my cousin Arkov died from AIDS, I've never been the same. Perhaps I should laugh about it. Perhaps we should laugh about the things that make us sad. Yet, I'll never forget him. He was someone who understood the art of life and death. His disease taught him that. He knew the world could be analyzed, deconstructed, and redone. If only I could be as intelligent and as sane as him...